Most of my past blogs have spent time coming up with survival tactics for the spouse staying stateside and keeping the home fires burning. And, as the hubby says, “this doesn’t mean you’re supposed to burn the house down, Baby!” Check! “Keep cats alive and don’t burn down house.” He doesn’t have many imperatives, but he knows to be specific. Sometimes, people have to make their directives crystal-clear for me to follow them. Anyway…This column is for my chicas-in-arms currently deployed. Hey, Girls!! And, having traveled on the government’s dime while active-duty myself, I want to share deployment survival strategies with this kick-ass group, too. (Okay, I double-checked the spelling of traveled…turns out you can spell it with either one L or two. Man, I teach this crazy language, and I’m still surprised by stuff like this! At times, I think Webster just gave up and included alternate spellings in his dictionary because some people – my students, for instance, not to point fingers – just continue to spell words however they want to. I blame text-speak!)
Back to the chicks hanging out in the desert oases of the world! I have some suggestions that you may be able to follow to make your home-away-from-home experience a little better. Now, as you’ll recall, I’ve discussed changing the paint in your living room, or on your body to generate a little dopamine, that feel-good hormone we all love so much. I understand that you won’t necessarily be able to repaint your dorms or tents, and that the regs have tightened up some on where you can have tattoos, but how about hair color changes? I’ve been told that the language in the regulations has been changed regarding hair color, too. (They even changed the name from regs to instructions. Really? What? Somebody needed a bullet on their EPR or OPR to prove that we’re a kinder, gentler military? Whatever!!) Not sure exactly what it says now, but “a natural color” and “colors found in nature” meant the same thing to me when I was still in uniform. My boss was colorblind and I was able to convince him that “Loreal’s Burgundy Brunette” wasn’t really purple; it was just a trick of the sunlight. And, really, people, who could blame me? Eggplants are found in nature! I miss that color! It went so well with my blues. Then, when I went very, very, strawberry blonde, (definitely an orangey-pink) I found a civilian dude working on the base who had the same natural color hair who was willing to speak to my boss about it. Great guy, weird hair, but a great guy! :-)
How else can you flout the rules? For those of you without color-blind bosses, or at least those with bosses who read the regs and are willing to raise the bullshit flag when they should: How ‘bout skivvies? I know, I know, personal question. But, get over it! We’re all friends here! I know that those of you who took off for the land of the 125 degree summer were only allowed one set of “conservative, appropriate civilian clothes.” Ye gods! Gag me with a Louboutin stiletto! Those two words, conservative and appropriate, have been my adversaries all my life…so, no surprise…I figured out how to get around them, even in uniform! So, though you are only allowed one set of boring clothes along with multiples of equally boring, though functional, uniforms, why not bring along an entire lingerie store’s worth of cute underpinnings. Fancy word for fancy things, ladies! Let's get some fabulosity happening in the war zones! And, you ought to be able to keep those fancy undies a secret from, well, from anybody who ought not be peekin’ down the front of your flight suits.
So, what better way to feel pretty, even when hot showers are hard to come by, than wearing silk and lace?! And, the great thing about ABUs and flight suits is the sheer number and size of pockets. (The hubby used to be amazed at what I could fit in my flight suit. No need for a purse here, people. I could travel for a week on what I had squirreled away in the pockets and frequently did. Flight cap, my identification and badges, mini-toothpaste, toothbrush, three colors of lipstick, tea bags, tampons, three pens, a grease pencil, laser pointer, change of underwear, the bra that started itching halfway through the day, granola bar – cuz, really, who eats those things?, the all-important unit coin, extra change…holy crap! No wonder my spine has a slight scoliosis curve to it now, I carried around twenty pounds of wholly necessary junk!) So, girls, embrace your pocket-space! In them, you can fit a corset from Trashy.com, a pair of Victoria’s Secret silk boyfriend shorts, and a pair garters and stockings from Frederick’s of Hollywood, and nobody will be the wiser. Except you! Feel beautiful while kicking butt for the good ol’ U.S. of A! And, that’s what matters. Just keep in mind that lace in a 125 degree environment under full battle-rattle can cause some serious chafage! (Yes, I made up the word, but I get to. It’s in the fine-print on my diploma…at least that’s what I tell my students. And, they believe me. They’re so gullible, I mean, great, they’re so great!) So, in extreme heat, you may want to opt for natural fibers like silk and cotton – both are pretty options.
And, if all else fails, and they start searching your bags and pockets for underwear, after smacking them, you can always fall back on my favorite, cheap, easy way to paint your body. Bright lipstick, girls. Remember, the slim tubes fit nicely in your pen slots. My two favorites when in uniform were the perfect red and a wonderful, warm orange with gold flecks. The red is Christian Dior’s #854, called Chez Soi, or At Home Red; it’s a slight blue-red, that, when layered, can be VERY bright (I once had a Vice Wing Commander ask me to turn it down. I told him it didn’t have a volume control and neither did I! We became great friends soon after that.), and the blue-red makes your teeth look super white. Voila’! C’est magnifique! The orange is a Lancome Rouge Magnetic color called Sanguine. It’s a vibrant orange that is the perfect complement to the blue of the uniforms. Ah, so bright and beautiful. Pucker up, smooch a napkin, and send it home to your beloved to remind him how much he misses you!!!
So, girls, remember, the next time you’re sitting in the desert, slap on a little face paint, snap your bra straps, roll up your stockings…and prepare to take over the world. Because, you, and don’t you forget it, kick ass, ladies!!! If your BX (or lack thereof) doesn’t carry lipstick and lingerie, I’m willing to take orders and ship some to you. What we won’t do for our country, huh? Rosie the Riveter would be proud!
Peace, love, and lipstick - K
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