What Not to Say During a Deployment

You’ve dropped your partner at the airport, you can blame the military for it, and now you’re ready to attack the deployment head-on. Good for you. You can do this! Remember, you didn’t hop out of the womb with your dearly beloved, you haven’t always been together…okay, I’ll leave the Arkansas jokes out of this! Just keep in mind that while your spouse is away, you may encounter a few issues regarding effective communication. We will try to address some of them here today, and I’ll include some solutions for your reading pleasure.

For many of you, you’ll be corresponding by letter or, more likely, email. Be mindful of the need to factor in the lack of eye-contact. You won’t be able to elbow your lovely husband in the ribs when you joke about the cute cabana boy (who really is your seventy-year-old neighbor with a peg leg who bears a strong resemblance to a pirate, and, in fact, not a twenty-one-year old hottie with ripped abs) who’s taking care of the yard. Your beloved may not be able to ascertain that from the timbre of your message…so be careful what you say. It will bite you in the butt later.

Those of you on Skype have it a little better. At least you can see your darling’s face and can figure out from the grimace on her face that she isn’t kidding about running over the garbage bin…with your Harley. Hmm, bad luck, that! Now seriously, it is a little easier to communicate when you can see the familiar gestures of your husband or wife, but with bandwidth at a premium, sometimes even those pictures are a little smudgy, jerky, and tough to read. As am I, I suppose. (And, really, people, what’s up with this Mustache March in the Military thing? It’s tough enough to see your fabulous and winsome facial expressions via Skype without the dead hamsters on your lips. Sheesh!)

So, onto the list of things that might be misconstrued by your adoring spouses due to technology errors, a misspelling, stupidity on the sender or receiver’s parts, or dead hamsters:

1. “Honey, about the car…”
a. The comment that can sink a marriage faster than icebergs meeting Titanics. Note to self, trying to power-wash away a dent isn’t the same thing as contacting Midas. Thankfully, cars can be replaced and you know you have a fabulous mate when the first thing he or she asks is whether or not you’re okay. However, it is normal, once they know you’re not crawling the halls of the emergency wing in the hospital, that they tell you they’re going to kill you themselves once they return home. Don’t worry, they don’t always mean it.

2. “Honey, about the cat…”
a. More egregious in nature, as they are damn near impossible to replace. The owner can usually spot a replacement cat at fifty yards. Maybe the hamster isn’t such a bad idea. I’m told you can swap whole families of those out with no one the wiser, other than the unfortunate hamster(s), of course.

3. “Honey, I held some punk kids at gunpoint in the yard today…”
a. Wow! Um, I don’t miss Albuquerque so much anymore…

4. “Honey, I’m having such a fantastic time without you! I hardly miss you at all…”
a. Okay, you’re a maroon! (Thank you, Bugs Bunny, for that insult.) You just said WHAT to your forever-and-ever-amen one-true-love? Were you dropped on your head multiple times? Are you a member of an EOD unit? That would explain such a response. NEVER, EVER say that again…even if you mean it. Trust me on this one, or you may have the EOD unit called to your house upon your return.

5. “Honey, I heard the song, Fat-Bottomed Girls today and thought of you…”
a. REALLY? Are you high? If you think you’re in a war-zone right now, just wait until you get home! Sometimes, song lists are better kept to oneself.

6. “Honey, about the hamster…”
a. ‘nuff said. Oops! There was an accident with the vacuum cleaner that your companion may not need all the gory details on. Those German whirling cleaners are hell on most small rodents. Eek! Don’t over-share.
Now that we’ve covered a few things NOT to say while your mate is deployed, let’s add a couple that should always earn bonus points:

1. “Wow, you look hot! In spite of the dead hamster on your lip.”
a. Sorry, baby. 

2. “Wow, you sound skinny over the phone!”
a. Always a good bet.

And, last but not least:

1. “Baby, I love you!”
a. No explanation necessary.
Happy Deployment to you all!